US History
by Apple Snapple
Summary: Atobe forces the team to go to a museum. Oh, the horror.


Yeah…let's pretend Hyoutei makes people take U.S. History for like, three years in their middle school. XP

* * *

"Okay, so…um, why are we here again?" Mukahi asked. 

"Ore-sama has decided that the team's history skills are going down. Thus, Ore-sama has decided to drag everyone to a museum to learn about U.S. History," Atobe replied.

"Atobe, no one gives a crap about U.S. History. We live in Japan, so U.S. History doesn't really influence us that much. Can't we just go back home and live our peaceful lives UNINTERRUPTED?!" Shishido asked.

"Ore-sama has taken a sneak peek at everyone's report cards for U.S. History, and Ore-sama is quite appalled. To think that the students of Hyoutei, in MY tennis club would get a 65 percent as their _average_ really appalls Ore-sama. Even you, Oshitari," Atobe turned to said boy, "only got an 87 percent!"

"That's because I don't like U.S. History, and neither do you, Atobe," Oshitari replied back. "And I believe you got only an 88 percent, am I correct? You're not that much better than me."

"By the way, why is our average only 65 percent?" Mukahi asked.

"Uh, because you fail at every class so even if we all get like, 100 percent on everything you drag us down to like, an 80 or something," Shishido said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Hey!" Mukahi cried out. "I actually got a 43 this time!"

"Wow…big improvement from your 42 last time." Shishido rolled his eyes.

Ootori looked hurt. "I got a 42 percent," he said sullenly.

"Well, that's because you're special," Shishido explained.

"HEY, WHY IS HE SPECIAL AND NOT ME?!" Mukahi cried out.

"Because you're an idiot and he's smart."

"But he got a lower score than me!" Mukahi protested.

"Well that was just once. I'm looking at averages here."

"Well that's just SHIT!"

"No, it's pure faithful fairness."

Atobe twitched. "It looks like Ore-sama will have to also teach you how to speak Japanese all over again."

"HEY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY JAPANESE?!" Shishido demanded rather loudly.

"'Pure faithful fairness' is EXTREMELY uncouth. AND ORE-SAMA DOES NOT APPRECIATE YOU SHOUTING IN A MUSEUM!!"

"You aren't doing any better," Hiyoshi pointed out.

Mukahi gasped and pointed at him. "You just talked back at the old, needing-respect Ore-sama!!"

Atobe smacked him. "What do you mean Ore-sama is old, ah? And don't use my trademark saying. Ne, Kabaji?"

"Usu," was the reply.

"And Hiyoshi, ORE-SAMA DOES NOT LIKE IT WHEN YOU TALK BACK TO ORE-SAMA!"

"Gekokujou…"

"Atobe, stop screaming in the museum. If you don't, you'll become a hypocrite," Oshitari said.

"He was already a hypocrite to begin with," Shishido commented.

"Ore-sama does not like it when people talk behind Ore-sama's back," Atobe said grimly.

"We aren't talking behind your back, dolt. We're criticizing right in front of you, so don't give us this 'talking behind my back' crap."

"And how is this supposed to make Ore-sama feel better, ah?" Atobe demanded.

"Um, we aren't hiding the fact that we hate you very, very much?"

"…"

"Hey, it's a start."

"…"

"I think…we'd better observe U.S. History now."

"Ore-sama agrees with that."

* * *

"SUGEE!!" Jirou cried out. "What is that?" He was currently pointing to a portrait.

"Jirou, that's George Washington," Oshitari explained.

"Cool! Is he that weird guy that washes our clothes every Thursday?"

"…No, Jirou. That would be the washing man."

"What's the difference?"

"George Washington is a president who doesn't do laundry. Our washing man does."

"And who's that guy with the funny hat?" Jirou was pointing at a portrait of Abraham Lincoln."

"…That's Lincoln."

"Is he a present too?"

"…President, Jirou, not present." Oshitari now knew why Hyoutei's tennis team's History average was so low. And obviously some people didn't know their Japanese well enough to tell the difference between a leader and an object to be given during holidays or birthdays.

Mukahi stared at the plaque that was before him. "Yuushi, what does this say?" He was pointing at big, black letters that were covering half of the stand.

"Thomas Jefferson, Gakuto, can't you tell?" Oshitari asked.

"But it's in English!!" Mukahi whined. "I can't read English!!"

"Ore-sama thinks this team has English problems as well," Atobe said sullenly.

"No, that's just Gakuto," Shishido stated.

"Ah? Then what does this say?" Atobe pointed at another plaque.

"Um…KENN, right? The actor for Fuji Yuuta in Tenimyu?"

"…NO!! KENNEDY, YOU DOLT, KENNEDY!!!" Atobe screamed out in frustration.

"DON'T SCREAM IN THE MUSEUM, IT'S BAD FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S EARS!!!" Shishido screamed back.

"DON'T TELL ORE-SAMA TO SHUT UP!!!"

"Hey! You! Shut up!!" some random person shouted out.

"ORE-SAMA WILL NOT!!"

"IT'S A FREAKING MUSEUM, OF COURSE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SHUT UP!!" Shishido countered.

"ORE-SAMA ISN'T SEEING YOU DO A VERY GOOD JOB!!"

"Gekokujou…"

"HIYOSHI, SHUT UP!!!" Atobe and Shishido shouted out together.

"…Gekokujou…"

"Shishido-san…Atobe-san…you two really shouldn't be fighting like this," Ootori said.

"SHUT UP!!" Atobe screamed.

"DON'T TELL CHOUTARO TO SHUT UP!!!"

"WHY ARE YOU DEFENDING HIM, AH?!"

"BECAUSE, APPARENTLY, HE'S COOLER THAN 'ORE-SAMA' WILL EVER BE!!"

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!"

"I WILL NOT!!"

"YOU USED ORE-SAMA'S TRADEMARK SAYING!!!"

"WELL GEE, I'M REALLY SORRY TO USE A UNIVERSAL TRADEMARK SAYING!!"

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP, OR YOU'LL GET KICKED OUT OF THE MUSEUM!!" a police officer shouted.

"Ouch…someone just got kicked by a baby," Mukahi sang out.

"…What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Shishido asked.

"I dunno. I just made it up just so I could say 'HA! A POLICE OFFICER PWNED YOU!!', and stuff."

"YOU! SHUT UP, OR YOU'LL BE KICKED OUT TOO!!"

Mukahi winced.

Shishido smirked. "Ouch…someone just got kicked by a baby."

"SHUT UP!! YOU PHRASE STEALER!!"

"Gakuto, not so loud," Oshitari warned.

"Fine. Shut up, you phrase stealer," Mukahi whispered.

"I already heard you the first time, loud and clear," Shishido commented. "You don't need to say it again."

"Shishido-san, what's this?" Ootori asked, pointing to a portrait.

"Um, that's…the Mona Lisa," Shishido answered.

Oshitari mentally smacked himself in the head. "That's the Statue of Liberty, not the Mona Lisa," he corrected calmly.

Shishido stared. "How so?"

"Well, first of all, it's a statue."

"Uh huh…"

"And second of all, it's obviously the Statue of Liberty."

"How so?"

"Because anyone who has a life knows what it looks like, or can recognize it easily."

"Are you saying I don't have a life?"

"…It's plausible."

"Well, if I didn't have a life, I wouldn't be here! So ha!"

"…"

* * *

"Who the fuck is that?" Mukahi asked, pointing at another portrait.

"John Adams," Atobe replied.

"Why?"

"Because he just is," Atobe snapped.

"Was his name John Adams?"

"YES, HIS NAME WAS JOHN ADAMS, SO THERE!"

"Is he still alive?"

"Please don't tell me you just asked that question."

"It's a question," Mukahi countered. "And it deserves an answer."

Atobe sighed. "He was alive about 300 years ago, ne, Kabaji?"

"Usu."

"Cool. So you're saying he's immortal, right?"

"No, I'm saying he's already dead."

"THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?!" Mukahi asked, losing his cool.

"Because _obviously_ a person wouldn't be alive for 400 years!"

"Well I'm just slow that way, so there!"

"No, Gakuto, you're just stupid. You're even more stupid than a four year old."

"…Actually a three year old."

"…?"

"Okay, so there was this one time when I was in a restaurant and then there was this guy teaching his three year old kid the days of the week and stuff. Then he asked the kid 'when's payday?' and I was like 'pshh, he's so not going to get that' and then the kid answered 'Friday!'. I was just like '…' and I felt really bad. So, technically, I'm stupider than a three year old."

Atobe groaned and rolled his eyes. "It's more stupid, not stupider."

"Why can't it be stupider?"

"Because it just _isn't_."

"Why not?"

"Because the rules say so."

"Well there's exceptions to rules right?"

"Not to these kinds of rules. They're like postulates, there are no exceptions to them."

"What's a postulate?"

"…Are you sure you're in year nine?"

"Yeah…why?"

"…Never mind."

"…"

"Ore-sama has a headache. Kabaji, aspirins."

Kabaji brought out the aspirins. A HUGE bottle of them. Atobe swallowed six and gave the bottle back to Kabaji.

"What the fuck, did you just swallow six aspirins?" Mukahi asked.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because Ore-sama has a headache from you asking too many questions, that's why," Atobe snapped.

"Well it's not my fault! Are you sure you're not trying to like, get high off of those or anything like that?"

"ORE-SAMA HAS A HEADACHE, SO STOP WITH YOUR INCESSANT RANTS!"

"No shouting in the library…"

"…It's a museum."

"Same thing, no one cares. Both of them teach you stuff."

"Yes, and obviously _you_ need to learn A LOT."

"Hey, so what if I'm just a little bit mentally challenged, huh? Got a problem with that?"

"Yes, Ore-sama has a problem when that when Ore-sama sees you don't even know how to read English properly. Your Japanese is horrendous as well."

"Well, just get over it. It's not as if you're going to like, die if I fail in History."

"…"

"Or are you?"

"…"

* * *

"Uh…so this is George Washington, right?" Jirou asked.

"Yes, Jirou, it's George Washington," Oshitari answered.

"SUGEE!!!"

"…"

"THAT'S SO COOL!!! George Washington is a really cool name, don't you think?"

"Yes, Jirou. It's a cool name."

"SUGEE!!!"

"…"

"So, um, that's Abraham Lincoln, right?" Ootori asked, pointing to another picture.

"Yes, it is," Oshitari answered. "An easy way to remember him is by his hat. Just look for a tall, top hat and chances are it's Abraham Lincoln."

"Oh…"

"So this guy's like, just some random dude?" Shishido asked.

"No, Shishido. That would be Atobe."

Shishido stared. "Why the fuck is Atobe's picture in a museum?"

"Apparently he had it put there because he just wanted it there."

"But people might mistake him for like, that old George Washington dude or something."

"I don't think they will…"

"Well, he does have gray hair you know."

"True…but George Washington wore a white colored wig."

"Okay. I still think it's a bad idea to have your picture in a museum. I mean, someone might think you're some random friend of a random president and once they see you walking around the street, they might be like 'OMG IT'S THAT GUY WHO'S A FRIEND OF SO AND SO!! Wait, I thought he was dead!! Does that mean he's a ghost?!', or something like that. He's just asking for trouble."

"Ore-sama is not," Atobe retorted.

"Gekokujou."

"Hiyoshi, you say that at the worse possible times."

"…Gekokujou."

"STOP SAYING THAT, IT'S GETTING OLD!!" Mukahi shouted. "CAN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING THAT'S LIKE, A VARIATION OF THAT?!"

"…I will own you in tennis and take your place as captain."

"THAT'S TOO LONG, MAKE IT SHORTER!!!"

"…I will own you."

"THAT JUST SOUNDS FREAKY; IT'S LIKE ATOBE'S LIKE, YOUR PLAY THING OR SOMETHING!"

Shishido rolled his eyes. "Only you would think of such terrible thoughts."

"ARE YOU SAYING I'M ABNORMAL?!"

"No, I'm saying you're stupid."

"BUT THAT'S NOT NICE!"

"Whoever said I was nice?"

"Uh…THAT KID!!" Mukahi pointed at the portrait of George Washington.

"Okay, first of all that isn't a kid. Second of all, he's George Washington. Third of all, he's already dead so how would he be able to say that I was nice? He doesn't even know me, unless he's some strange, creepy stalker out to get me or something. But then that wouldn't make any sense. And fourth of all, I'd advise you not to shout that loudly in a museum. Or else that creepy police office might come and get you."

"Well it's called _shouting_, so it has to be loud, right?"

"You shouldn't be shouting in a museum."

"I know. Still though, why can't I?"

"Think of it as a library."

Mukahi smirked and pointed at Atobe. "Aha! See? I was right, it _is_ like a library!!!"

Atobe groaned. "Ore-sama hates U.S. History."

"Great. So, can we go home now?" Shishido asked.

"Does it look like Ore-sama has a choice with you idiots?" Atobe snapped. "You've given Ore-sama a migraine!!"

"Well gee, _someone's_ PMSing," Mukahi said, rolling his eyes.

"Ore-sama is a guy!"

"Uh, yeah, and _who_ dragged us into this, museum thing?"

"…"

"You did. So you're the one who caused your migraine. So HA. We're innocent."

"…"

"We are!"

"Ore-sama needs to go home."

"Go then," Shishido said. "And next time, don't drag us into a museum anymore."

"…"

* * *

Probably the longest oneshot I've ever written. XD 


End file.
